Tuesday, December 21, 2010

They're Called Carres: In Which A Secret Is Revealed, And I Don't Mean All That Foreshadowing Stuff

Twilight [Anita Guzman]: "Okay, one more time, Billy. Follow the lights, set your feet. Your shoulders will follow and you won't.... Ouch! Next time I'm wearing my Bloodstones!" 
Captain Super-Ultra [Billy Washington]: "How do you think my head feels? Look, I don't know what the fuss is. That girl's waterblast was like a firehose. No-one could have kept their feet."
Anita: "The waterblast, maybe. But that wasn't the blast. It was some kind of stunt where she divided it up like a sprinkler. Billy T. stayed up. You just have bad posture. I mean, how are you gonna get the boys like that?"
Billy W. "Don't you worry 'bout that, girl. She was toting a stuffed animal and stealing Princess Barbies. How are you supposed to take that seriously? Honestly, she needs some girlfriends more than she needs a superhero intervention."
Anita: "We were not having a pyjama party. We were trying to stop a store from being torn apart, so that some nice small business-type person doesn't lose it because they can't afford insurance. And, mass destruction-wise, we could have done a little better on that one."
Snakes On A Plane [Jenny Wong]: "Juvie is a terrible place, and Riptide is obviously a damaged little girl. Maybe we should have taken an interest. There's not much hope for the world if people who can, do nothing."
Anita: "Jenny, remember that
 Simpsons rerun we watched last week? Malibu Stacy? "Being serious gives you wrinkles?" I wasn't going to tell you this, but it's true. Never be serious again."
Anita: Oh, real mature. Is that the furthest you can stick your tongue out? If you ever get a real boyfriend ...hey!"
Mighty Chief, Red Rock of Rectitude, Sachem of Strength, and Tomahawk of Justice [Dr. Georges Stonechild, Ph.D]: "How's it going, team? Hope you're getting your routine down. I have to open in an hour, and Twilight hasn't refit my other outlets yet. And I..... Oh, Holy Mary, Mother of God, Miss Wong, you look like your mother ...did. And that was a remarkably stupid thing to say. I'm glad to see that I still have the gift."
Anita: "She knows you didn't mean any offence, Dr. Stonechild, and she doesn't know how much your little superscience dialysis gadget affects you, either. I'll go bring her back. We need to talk, anyway."
Dr. Stonechild: "Hold off. You guys do know that I'm compromised by Zerstroiten? Kidneys full of nanotech shrapnel, all that? I know he never took an interest in the
 l'affaire Wong before, but this "Shadow Destroyer" worries me, and I'll keep my distance from Miss Wong for the moment."
Amazing Spleen (Brad Neilson): "If this is important, we have to know!"
Wolverine Boy (Billy Tatum): "Dude, foreshadowing doesn't work that way."
Brad: "Not all that Wong stuff. I've had as much of that "keep it on the down low" as anyone. Who says that any more? I mean, what about Juanita!"
Billy W. "What's to know? She's hot, your cousin, and a freak and [urkh]!"
Billy T.: "That was one sweet move, Brad. But you'd probably better let him go before he remembers that superstrength beats leverage."
Billy W.: "Urkh?"
Billy T.: Sure, hands here, legs here, pull your head out. It's a cinch."
Billy W.: "I wasn't insulting your cousin, Brad. All I'm saying is that she's 6 foot 4, smarter than Stephen Hawking, and more emo than Buffy Season 7. And it's not healthy using your chemical powers to give yourself adrenal strength and reflexes like that."
Brad: "Wow. You think I could use my powers like that? About Juanita... Look, I know she's a pain in the arse right now. But she's going through rough stuff. And it hurts me, too. Like, how clear are your first memories, from when you were 3 or something? I remember Juanita. She told me to look through this pipe and I would see something cool. I did, and, wham, she rammed it into my face. Raccoon eye, I guess, but I feel happy just remembering it now."
Billy W. "That's our Juanita. Going Taylor Mommsen on her cousin before she solved her first equation. Oh, hey, Twilight."
Juanita: "The who the what now? Okay, Jenny's invited you guys over to her place to watch DVDs tonight. Brad, you're included, no matter what you think Mr. Wong says. We wrapped up here? I want to hit the library, and Billy's due at work in an hour, right?"
Doctor Stonechild: "Just a minute, there. A buddy of mine's worked out a routine for you, too, Twilight."
Anita: "Me? I've got the owie going on!"
Billy T. "Didn't that happen a month ago? Yeah, last week of exams, just before Jenny went on vacation. Mr. Wong splinted you up, we had Indian, watched 10 episodes of Futurama back to back, Mr Wong yelled at us for getting sauce on his pool table. Heh. "Bite my shiny metal..."
Anita: "Substitute "me" for "us" there a few places, and your recall is perfect, Billy. But a month is not a long time for a broken arm to heal completely."
Billy T. "Nita, I been a teenager since 1985. Things fade. Maybe not so much butter chicken stains, but stuff."
Doctor Stonechild: "So how did you break your arm, Twilight?"
Anita: "I was rescuing a cat stuck in a tree. Trying to. End of story."
Billy W: "So the part where your boot jets flipped you three times in mid-air and drove you into the ground, and you cushioned your head with your arm, and the cat climbed down just to check if you were all right? That's not in your story? Because it would be in my story."
Anita: "So the stability equations were a bit glitched. I still can't do any exercises right now."
Billy T: "A glitch like when you tried to capture Lash in the 'The Vampire's Teeth?'"
Anita: "It's a miniaturized wire entangle. So I called it a dramatic name before it activated. That's real superhero stuff, right? Anyway, it was supposed
 to be jaggy and pointed, not all ...loopy and stuff."
Doctor Stonechild: "And this isn't the physical workout you're imagining. It is what you actually need. It is no coincidence that your gadgets are having problems with directions. Directionality is a key attribute to the quantities you are tying to manipulate. These are vectors, and they need to be treated as such.'
Anita: "Oh, this is like that introductory chapter of my calculus textbook, with all those xs and ys and zs with hats and arrows on variables. I just ignore that stuff. You can do the exams without them."
Doctor Stonechild: "Heaven save us from high schools teaching calculus. Clearly, you cannot, in fact, do without these vector things. I may not know how to solve calculus problems in my head on the spur of the moment, but, dear child, you may not be doing it as well as you think you are, either. Which is why my colleague, who shall remain nameless lest
 someone be listening, has suggested some reading for you."
Anita: "A Condensed Primer of Vectors, Tensors and Quaternions? Who buys books like these?"
Doctor Stonechild: "Mostly smart kids who choose to learn their advanced maths from TV. Formalisms exist for a reason. Be ready for an exam before you fix up my Camden store for me on Tuesday."

This is the first in a series of fan fictions set in the Champions Universe (a property of the Cryptic Games Studio licensed to DOJ, Inc. for the pen-and-paper Hero Games RPG line). It features the adventures of the teenaged descendants of Philadelphia's superheroic defenders of the "Gold" and "Silver" Age, the Liberty Legion. The new Liberty Legion has been operating for several years now as a mostly self-described auxiliary of Philadelphia's real superteam, the Liberty League. 

Dr. Stonechild really went by all this nicknames back in the day. Because comics could be a little childish back in the day. What? No! It's a valid expression of enduring themes of identity and self-actualisation in North American culture! So you shut up!

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