Monday, December 6, 2010

Because in comics, you probably could learn to fight on a Dance Dance Revolution table.

Captain Super-Ultra [Billy Washington]: "One-half impulse, and...unrep begun! Best parallel park ever!"
Wolverine Boy [Billy Tatum]: " "You burked the ship!"
Twilight [The Girl Currently Known as "Mistress Penance"]: "You two are such nerds. And you're mashing up Star Trek and Galaxy Quest, which is just some kind of wrong."
Billy T: "Oh, give us a break, Juanita. Just because Jenny gets back today..."
Anita Guzman: "I am not jealous of Jenny! And don't call me Anita! It's my muggle name!"
Billy W: "Of course you're not jealous of Jenny. Heck, Bulldozer couldn't even tell she's a girl. And what are we supposed to call you, now? And, no, Mistress Penance is not on. Not after Brad found that OOTS strip."
Anita: "It was nothing to do with that!"

Billy Washington: "And the reason you cut that comic out of Brad's book was..."
The Amazing Spleen [Brad Neilsen]: <strangled breath>
Billy Tatum: "Sorry, dude, didn't mean to stab you there."
Brad: "No, you didn't get me, Billy. I mean, it was nothing."
Billy W: "And the reason you cut that comic out of my book was...."
Anita [quickly]: "I, unh, I'm Siobhan, now. It's Celtic, and Celtic is cool."
Billy W: "I do not think that name is pronounced the way you think it is pronounced."

Anita: "And, the reason that your man-crush couldn't tell that Je-Jenny is a girl is because he won't admit that he needs glasses. A lot."
Billy W: "Bulldozer is not my man-crush. He's our nemesis! Our sexy, sexy nemesis."
Siobhan: "Bulldozer isn't our nemesis. Mechanon is."
Brad: "Mechanon isn't our nemesis. Maybe his robot dog is, but we got that little dog, and I don't think Mechanon was paying attention, what with the tree growing through him. Which is the coolest thing I've ever seen."
Billy T: "Call it, then. Who's our nemesis?"
Brad: "So far? Foxbat was pretty seriously pissed at us."
Siobhan: "So, yeah. The Liberty League defeats Mechanon's attempt to take over all the DRMs on Earth by growing a tree through his torso. And we cheese Foxbat by failing so hard he can't take us seriously. Go team!"
Billy W. "Which is why we're here for our first session at your Danger Room, uhm, See Rayban. Speaking of which, is it, like, a hidden sub-basement of Mr. Stonechild's arcade, from back when he was a superhero?"
Siobhan"It's Doctor Stonechild. And it's not under the arcade. It is the arcade!"
Billy Tatum: "Seriously? An arcade? Maybe it's got a pinball machine!"
Snakes On A Plane [Jenny Wong]: "Pin...<something> <interrogative tone, or possibly an attempt to talk like a teenager while breathing sixty times a second> Retro....Billy, how <something, long pause> ever,<something>.stare"
Brad: "Jennifer! You're so sweaty, it makes your hair different!"
Everyone but Brad: "Hey, Jennie!"
Jenny [A little closer to being in breath]: "Nearly caught up at DQ. Out for run. Followed you down. Did wind sprints. Need go... die now. Shirt you look good. Br-bye. Back soon."
Siobhan [To Jenny's departing rear]: "Oh, hey, Jenny, why not start doing some serious aerobics? There's got to be some fat left on your body. I mean, besides..."
Billy W. "So who was it again wanted us to keep working on developing our powers? Jenny's just tired of spending our battles unconscious. By the way, Brad, that shirt is a huge improvement. Did my auntie pick it out for you?"
Brad: "Her and the salesguy. Said he wouldn't let her dress me like some guy named Arsenio Hall."

[One stop at Orange Julius later, at the The Stone Temple Pile-On Arcade]
The Mighty Chief [Doctor Delano Stonechild, (PhD. Columbia, 1963)]: "Juanita! And these are your friends? I'm thinking introductions would be inappropriate, here, but welcome!"
Siobhan: "Wow. Guys. It's The Mighty Chief, himself!"
Doctor Stonechild: "How, Children of Great White Father. Why not you in stripling's lodge, learning secrets of books? Has Great White Father ordained that you shall have summer vacation while corn is growing, deer are running?"
Siobhan: "Uhn, sir, why are you talking like that? And, also, if you could call me Siobhan? It's Celtic. Sir."
Doctor Stonechild: "Anita, I will not call you 'Shee-o-ban.'  And you will stop calling me "The Mighty Chief." What worked when I started my career is as hopelessly out of fashion today as believing there was such a thing as "'Celtic.'" 
Billy W. "It's just like my auntie told me: we're gonna get a lecture."
Doctor Stonechild: "If that's who I think it is, she has no idea what she's talking about. She never stood still for a lecture in her life. Except to give one out. Mostly well deserved, I might add. As for mine, according to my college, you're getting something of some small value for free."
Anita: "Not as much as you deserve, sir. That's why I'm going to Temple, next year. So I can take your contract course!"
Doctor Stonechild: "Fifty years late, I hit the big time! Oh, well, 1963 just wasn't ready for a tenured Injun history professor. Also, I probably shouldn't have scalped the Dean of Men on Harvard Commons that one time."
Billy W.: "I heard about that. He totally had it coming, trying to create science werewolves like that. Wasn't he a super-gorilla in disguise, anyway?" 
Doctor Stonechild: "You will find, someday, Captain, that just because something needs doing, doesn't mean that it needs doing the way you want to do it. As I look back on my life, I count that a lesson well-learned. And like most, from stupid, humiliating failure.  Speaking of which, here's the Dance-Dance Revolution table. You will find that Anita has programmed a routine for all of you."

This is the fourth in a series of fan fictions set in the Champions Universe (a property of the Cryptic Games Studio licensed to DOJ, Inc. for the pen-and-paper Hero Games RPG line). It features the adventures of the teenaged descendants of Philadelphia's superheroic defenders of the "Gold" and "Silver" Age, the Liberty Legion. The new Liberty Legion has been operating for several years now as a mostly self-described auxiliary of Philadelphia's real superteam, the Liberty League. Dr. Stonechild was a member of the Liberty Legion, and a very valued one, except he talked too much. Reverse stereotypes, kids!

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