Sunday, November 21, 2010

Shag Dog Story

Wolverine Boy [Billy Tatum]: "We did it! We fought Mechanon. And beat him! I told you guys we could do it if we worked together."
Snakes On A Plane [Jenny Wong]: "No. No, we did not. The Liberty League beat Mechanon.
 We stopped his robot Schnauzer thing from getting into the National Secure Data Depository. Barely."
Captain Super Ultra [Billy Washington]: "We beat Mechanon's dog in standup, heroic battle! All the Liberty League did was short circuit a robot or something. Actually, I don't know. I couldn't really focus by that point."
Twilight [The Girl Currently Known as Mistress Penance Yes, I know that I dropped that last time. No. Look, semi-omniscient narrators don't have to explain themselves. No. "Semi-omniscient" isn't the same thing as unreliable. If I were unreliable I'd be sneaking in snide asides, like in Vanity Fair. No, that wasn't an attempt to avoiding your question. I ...look, I made Nita cry. I'm not proud of it. Could we please drop it?]: "The Mechanic is so dreamy. And his gadgets are cool!"
Jenny: "Because
 his work?"

Mrs. Wong [Formerly Princess Celestial Mare, archenemy of Wong, the Chinese Laundry Boy]*: "Okay, everybody, keep the compresses on and press hard." 
 Brad, that's a perfectly lovely haircut, but since you have to keep that dressing dry until Friday you'll have to wear a shower cap. [You get the part where she's encouraging Brad to keep showering? It's called positive reinforcement, folks.]  I can lend you one of Henry's." 
Mrs. Wong [some more]: "Anita, stop squirming. I've stitched up enough people to know how to keep the pain down. I told you that those piercings would just be trouble." [And that would be negative reinforcement. Heh. Nobody's perfect.]
Mrs. Wong [Look, this is what she does. She's a soccer mom. Well, not exactly soccer....]: "Jenny. You're in charge of looking out for your friends tonight. Your father doesn't want any more blood on the shag!"

Henry Wong [Who would much prefer to remember the "Furious Fists of Wong" days] from the top of the basement stairs: "Or ranch dip, Billy Tatum."
Jenny: "That's dad code for 'he's springing for pizza.'" 
Billy Washington: "Yeah. We got it."
Billy Tatum: "Hunh?"
Mistress Penance [Shut up. I know it's stupid.]: "We beat Mechanon's dog fair and square. So Mr. Wong is buying us pizza. And lending Brad a shower cap. Bet it's hideously 70s."
Jenny: "No, Dad hates Mike Myers. Except for  So I Asked a Murderess to Marry. His shower caps all have dragons and Taijitus on them and like that."
Mistress Penance: "You know that there was a real '70s, right?"
Jenny: "That there be a real past behind the veil is of no moment to those on this side of it."
Mistress Penance: "How did you make your voice go all spooky and stuff?"
Jenny: "What are you talking about?'
Mistress Penance: "What you just said?"
Jenny: "Hunh?"

Billy Washington: "Funny as it would be to just let you guys go on, Jenny was obviously channeling." 
Billy Tatum: "Which is totally cool! It's all dunh dunh dunh, like real superheroes! We are so on the way out of the basement! Let's have beanbag chairs in our secret base!"
Brad: "I  like the rec room! And if we get our own secret base, Mrs. Wong won't bring us shrimp chips anymore."

*No, seriously. When Wong got into the superhero business in 1961, "Wong the Chinese Laundry Boy" was a step up from being, say, "Chop Chop the team cook." On the bright side, he got to rock a Chinese afro in the mid-70s. Also, Princess Celestial Mare sounds way better in the original dialect. Though if I tell you that her husband has a secret crush on Nancy Travis, you might put two and two together. What? It's a nice nose! 


This is the first in a series of fan fictions set in the Champions Universe (a property of the Cryptic Games Studio licensed to DOJ, Inc. for the pen-and-paper Hero Games RPG line). It features the adventures of the teenaged descendants of Philadelphia's superheroic defenders of the "Gold" and "Silver" Age, the Liberty Legion. The new Liberty Legion has been operating for several years now as a mostly self-described auxiliary of Philadelphia's real superteam, the Liberty League. 

Most of these members, however, are new. Except Billy Tatum. He's experienced. Like Tatum O'Neal in that movie. You know, the one where she's sexy. Except Billy's not sexy, although he does have facial hair. 
Mechanon is a robot archvillain in the Champions Universe, and probably Champions Online. The Liberty League appears, unstatted, in the Mechanon sourcebook, The Book of the Machine By Steve Long, as well as Champions: News of the World, and, more recently, the 6th Edition Champions Universe. There is no robot Schnauzer in Book of the Machine. But there should be.

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