Thursday, January 13, 2011

It Would Be Better With Gorillas

Twilight (Nita Guzman): "Hey, Jenny. Where's the boys?"

Snakes On A Plane (Jenny Wong): "They're fighting some kind of gang of mutated Jack Russells over in the alley. With lasers on their heads."
Nita: "Ouch. You're mad at me."
Jenny: "Duh."
Nita: "If this is about mentioning John back at the Stone Temple... I'm so sorry. You didn't tell me it was a secret!"
Jenny: "I.... It's not a secret. Okay. It's a secret. I should have told you. I'm sorry I didn't call you back. I'm not mad at... Okay, I was mad at you. But I'm not now."
Nita: "Look! This is me, not getting what you're not telling me. Totally oblivious about everything, won't mention anything about anything until you tell me. Maybe later you tell me what I don't know that I'm talking about."
Jenny: "Nita. You're my best friend ever. I'd hug you if I weren't tied up and everything."
Nita: "Sure you don't want me to fix that?"
Jenny: "Under control. So what about Dr. Stonechild. Did he apologise for embarrassing you that way?"
Nita: "Yeah, but about that. You know, I spent, like, 5 years trying to get Brad to work on his personal hygiene by calling him out in public. It just made him mad and defensive. Which? I'm dumb. Took Mrs. Crudup all of six weeks for Project Bradover. I think where I got hung up was thinking, "what would work with me?" Dr. Stonechild? He used what would work with me. And afterwards, he took me to a private dinner party for a bunch of collegiate b-ballers. I danced 'till 2AM with men I had to look up to."
Jenny: "Ooh, boyfriend material?"
Nita: "How do I put this... I think the young men that Doctor Stonechild knows are not really the kind of guys who get that scene. But still, gay pretend boyfriend is better than no boyfriend. Not that you'd know."
Jenny: "One more time. Not boyfriend. Pretend boyfriend. John is a real dick. And you are a terrible liar."

Nita: "What do you mean?"
Jenny: "Oh, come on. Ever since you went Suicide Girl last New Years, you've been totally hung up on something. I've been wondering: how much do I have to lay the ditz thing down before the old  Nita comes back? Now all of a sudden you're Miss Sensitive again? Subtle difference. I sees it."
Nita: "I don't know what you're talking about. You know, maybe we should talk about this secret of yours.."
Jenny: "Whatever. That'll hold. But you? You're ready to dish. So the question is, why haven't you. What could be so secret....OMG. Henry was in town last Christmas. And now. And you two went to the Penn State game. Care to tell me who introduced you to Dr. Stonechild and his B-Ball buddies..."
Nita: "Henry's straight! Not that I'd date your brother!"
Jenny: You know, I would ship Henry to you in a hearbeat. Tall. Smart. Funny. My brother. Though ...Gee. I wouldn't be able to see you except during an eclipse. That would suck."
Nita: "Exactly: 'The Heir of Wong will have in majority/As portion the end of that Family Line/As Wong's Daughter  remains in minority/And so long as the Celestial Mare's light shines.' Once again, maybe I shouldn't criticise, but that sounds awful."
 Jenny: "You do a better translation. Let me know when you've learned Classical Chinese. Or taken Creative Writing. Or at least know what a meter is. And as I keep telling you, I have two brothers and a sister. May won't turn 21 for another 9 years. Until then, the prophecy won't trigger. You can hang out with Henry all you like, just as long as it's under an eclipse, no-one can connect him to Dad through you. 
Nita: "You know that the last line is a threat to your mother. Not a reference to eclipses, whatever your wizard told you. And you have three brothers and two sisters."
Jenny: "I don't count the Rugrats."
Nita: "And that's why you come to school with a snake in your phone case."
Jenny: "It was not funny!"
Nita: "It was hilarious."
Jenny: "Okay. It was a little funny. And you're right. I just can't imagine some highbrow prophecy applying to the Rugrats! Now. About Henry. You two shipping, or what?"
Nita: "I'm sorry, little figure of speech. Jenny didn't mean to torture you to death like that. S'not what shipping means. More like when Lise said that Brad was 'a starving rat that someone dragged out of the rain and revived by rubbing it with a dead skunk,' and Jordan said Lise had a crush on Brad. That's shipping."
Jenny: "It is not!"
Nita: "I think I'm beginning to see---"
Doctor Miles Dekkar: "Ladies? Ladies? I have you in a death trap. The appropriate response is defiant speeches, not catching up on the gossip. So, please. Respect the traditions! As soon as I clear the inlet jets, you will have exactly 30 seconds to beg and bargain for your worthless lives before it begins to smell like teen spirit in here. Or particularly peppy corpses
! [Snicker]."
Nita: "[Snicker]? Shouldn't that be [Bwa-ha-ha]?"
Doctor Dekkar: "My daughter-in-law is going to put me in care if I have to go to emerg for an emphysema attack, again, reliable babysitter or not."
[From the Command Bubble, hovering 25 feet above in the rafters] Miles Dekkar III (age 5 and 3/4s): "Grandpa, Monitor Lizard won't let us watch
 Bratz. We always get to watch Bratz at home."
Doctor Dekkar: "Fine: and as soon as we've had our final revenge on the thrice-cursed Wong, we shall go for ice cream!"
Miles and Josephine, but not Alexander Dekkar, who can't really talk yet: "Yay!"
Jenny: "You know, if you pick a mutated lizard as the right world-conquering monstrosity to be overseeing your grandchildrens' programming choices, maybe you should be backing it up? Just because
 Bratz is a cartoon does not mean that it is age appropriate."

Doctor Dekkar: "I can see why you don't have a real boyfriend."
Jenny: "Even for a has-been supervillain, that's mean!  Also, wasn't your schtick more giant monsters?
Doctor Dekkar: "The condominium covenant won't allow giant monsters after the gorilla episode. Now enough of these nattering distractions. Commence your snivelling entreaties, in the full knowledge of their futility, for I will have revenge more crushing than when I complain to Shop-Rite management about those snotty cashiers and the way they stare at me when I count my change!"
Nita: "Oh, we won't be doing that. We have an escape plan already. We were just waiting for you to get back to us."
Jenny: "Bouncy bouncy."

Doctor Dekkar: Something of a >bonging< sound as he bounces off the far wall.
Jenny:" Oh... I hope he didn't break a hip, there. ."
Nita: "Yeah. 
Last thing we need is the AARP after us. So the boys aren't back, but on the other hand those ...turkeys? Seriously? Giant turkeys? haven't broken past your Dad yet. Think we lay down some fire support?"
Jenny: "Dad!"
Nita: "Wow, Jenny, that's like three blasts in a row, and you're still standing! What's that, a 100% improvement?"
Jenny: "Read me
 Good Night, Moon, again, Mommy?"
Nita: "Okay, say 75%."
Doctor Dekkar: "I am back! Did you think you could dispose of me as easily those evolutionary errors?"
Nita: "No, but I do have something in reserve. Have a bright flight! Oops."
Jenny: "
 Any reason you're giving up on the pixie bob? Because I thought it was adorable. And the new electric frizz look is going to be a bitch to maintain. Unless you just stick your fingers in a socket every hour or so. Or, hey, carry one with you! Good call for a gadgeteer!"
Nita: "Ve-r-r-ry f-u-n-ny. Shield-ed. Try cold blast?"
Jenny: "Haven't got those down yet. No reason not to try heat again, though. Hey. Nice! And I only feel a little dizzy."
Nita: "And no more blonde jokes, either. You are growing out the roots, right?"
Jenny: "Yeah, it was a bit much. I think I'm going to go with the Grace Park look."
Nita: "Wouldn't that take surgery? W
eird, counter-productive surgery?"
Jenny: "Okay, a full-figured Grace Park look. Whatever. Superheroines are busty. It's in the rules."
Nita: "I think we should probably tidy up Dr. Dekkar now."

Jenny: "It looks like we've taken the fight out of him. But what about his grandchildren?"
 Doctor Dekkar: "I yield! No more blasts. And the Command Module will recover to Florida automatically. Monitor Lizard just has to reset the control cam on the navigational computational machine."
Nita: "Well, that's settled, then."
Doctor Dekkar: "Not quite. My revenge is delayed, but I will be back!"
Jenny: "Doctor Dekkar, it's been, like, 40 years since you fought the Liberty Legion last. The group's been broken up for over 30. Wong retired in
 1978. Why now?
Doctor Dekkar: "This! This humiliation was too much to bear!"
Nita: "Heroic Ambiguities:
 UNTIL in America, 1948--1993? Okay, cutting to the chase, I'm sure it says something offensive about you in here somewhere in connection to Mr. Wong. But shouldn't you a) go after the author; or b) not care? It can't be a big part of the book, and isn't there a statute of limitations on crazy?"
Doctor Dekkar: "The author is some professor at a cow college, wasting 
post-secondary research funding that could go into research into producing giant mutates. I went after real revenge. Something substantial."
Jenny: "And how did you find ....Wong, anyway?"
Doctor Dekkar: "That book on the old Legion was pretty sparse on details, but it did mention that Wong owned a property management firm, and I know that those companies often specialise in building styles. So I remembered where I'd tracked Wong down to in the past, found a common architectural thread, did a LEXIS-NEXIS search, tracked the firms that hired architects like that, followed up on some statistical correlations, hacked some computers, used some mutate pigeons to shadow meetings.... It took four tries."
Nita: "You are the same Doctor Dekkar who tried to conquer the planet with a coordinated assault on world capitals with an army of giant monsters, right?"
Doctor Dekkar: "Can't have 'mad genius' without "genius. Now no further comment until I've spoken with my lawyer."


This is the seventh in a series of fan fictions set in the Champions Universe (a property of the Cryptic Games Studio licensed to DOJ, Inc. for the pen-and-paper Hero Games RPG line). It features the adventures of the teenaged descendants of Philadelphia's superheroic defenders of the "Gold" and "Silver" Age, the Liberty Legion. The new Liberty Legion has been operating for several years now as a mostly self-described auxiliary of Philadelphia's real superteam, the Liberty League. 
Doctor Dekkar is part of the Champions Universe intellectual property, but since he's a retired mad scientist living in a  retirement condominium and babysitting his grandchildren on weekdays with the aid of an unnamed, mutated monitor lizard, CO isn't doing anything with him. Even they aren't that desperate? Or did I make that part up on a crazed coffee bender? I can't remember.

But the part about history professors at cow colleges spending grant money that could go to creating gigantic, superintelligent gorillas? That's real. Write your MP. 

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